The Fairy Godfather COMPLETE!
by The Kitty-kitty
Summary: According to tradition, there are always two fairy godmothers to make sure that living nightmares become dreams and to see that the princess gets her prince... they're usually soft hearted old women with a fondness for pumpkins... so Severus says; why him
1. From Generation to Generation

Title: The (Fairy) Godfather  
Author: Antidisestablishmentarianist / Kitty-kitty  
Disclaimer: Not mine. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros. Scholastic, Bloomsbury and Raincoat books.   
Rating: PG for cross-dressing poor Severus.  
Author Notes: The inspiration (and the thing about being two godmothers) came from Terry Pratchett's book "Witches Abroad." All other situations I claim myself, up to and including Severus's pink pouf sleeved chiffon dress. This is for Sama-chan. ****

**Chapter One  
  
From Generation to Generation**

As far back as fairy-stories were told to children being tucked in at night, there were Fairy Godmothers. Chubby old women who wore pink pouf sleeves and lots of chiffon, while saying 'Bippity, boppity, boo!' whenever something romantic needed doing… but while muggles adopted these lovely old dears into their stories, they were blissfully unaware of the truth.   
  
Fairy Godmothers were _real._   
  
There were the wands. Two slim yew wands bedecked with the light of fallen stars that were passed from generation to generation of young women who the previous Fairy Godmother thought right for the job. Because life was one big long fairy-tale, and people in pink pouf sleeves and lots of chiffon were needed to stop those fairy-tales becoming urban legends and nightmares.   
  
And there were two, because there was always the possibility that one Fairy Godmother could be supporting the villain of the story. The children had to get out of the scary forest and back to their parents. The prince had to marry the princess. Most importantly, they all had to _live happily ever after._ The villain must never win.   
  
_Fat old women with pink pouf sleeves and chiffon dresses, _thought Severus Snape, _the indignity of it all_. He turned the wand over in his hands and looked at the discarded packaging with distaste. One of the wands had been passed on once again, in the trust that the receiver would carry on the work of story-keeping.   
  
_It's all very well to say 'Well, Severus, the wand was passed on to you' _Severus's inner monologue continued, _But I'm not a woman and I refuse to wear pink pouf sleeved chiffon dresses! What would Lucius say? What would Black say? He'd laugh me all the way into the next century! However, the wand does carry a bond. Once you have it, you have to keep up the work until the times comes to pass it on again. In your will. _  
_  
NO. I will NOT be a Fairy God Moth- Father. I've never told a Fairy-story in my life. Blasted Aunt Shirley. I knew she didn't like me. She's probably up there – no, down there,_ Severus thought with a rush of spite, _laughing it up. _  
  
_Dumbledore's going to make me do it anyway, isn't he? Duty, responsibility and inheritance. I'd like to see him dress up in a pink pouf sleeved chiffon dress… no, I wouldn't. Come to think of it, do Fairy God Fathers have to wear pink pouf sleeved chiffon dresses? I'm sure they have to wear some sort of uniform. _  
  
_… What if the other Fairy Godmother's someone like… I don't know… Nymphadora Tonks? NO! I'm not being a Fairy God Father. For one thing, people might automatically assume that a Godmother and Godfather are married. _  
  
Severus sneered at the very thought.  
  
_Maybe if I fake my death and pass the wand on to someone else. Someone I loathe. Longbottom, perhaps. No, even he doesn't deserve that indignity. A woman. Minerva –_  
He found the mental picture of Minerva McGonagall in a pink pouf sleeved chiffon dress and shivered almost as much as he would have at the thought of Dumbledore in the same thing. _No, it would have to be someone young so that the children wouldn't get nightmares._  
  
_I'd say Luna Lovegood if I wasn't sure she'd decide that a happy ending would merit all the people involved being turned into rabbits. A cute ending, perhaps. I can't count the amount of times she's claimed her homework wasn't done because a hornswoggle ate it. No, the job needs someone with sense. _  
  
_Someone thoughtful, calculating, well learnt. Hermione Granger?   
  
Well, that solves it. I shall have to do it myself. Pink pouf sleeves and all. I do hope, however, that wherever Aunt Shirley is that she's in a lot of pain. It's a rather pleasing thought that hell is real and that she is, indeed, burning there._


	2. The Big Bad Potions Master

Title: The (Fairy) Godfather   
Author: Antidisestablishmentarianist / Kitty-kitty  
Disclaimer: Not mine. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros. Scholastic, Bloomsbury and Raincoat books.   
Rating: PG for cross-dressing poor Severus.  
Author Notes: XD 7 whole reviews! Sad as I am, I'm incredibly pleased with it ;; Anyway, thanks go to: On-A-Rainy-Day, Sweetbriar, Dr. Demonic, Cat, Adele Sparks, riotgirl and CastusAlbuscor. No notes for this one as it's not getting iffy yet. ****

**Chapter Two  
  
The Big Bad Potions Master.**

"Who's the other Fairy God Mother, then?" asked Minerva over her stack of sixth year homework. She pursed her lips, as though an amusing thought had struck. "Have there always been Male Fairy God Mothers? Or is there something you're not sharing, Severus?"   
  
With a particularly malicious expression on his face, Severus pulled the fifth year Gryffindor's potions homework to his side and steady began grading them a mark lower than the previous grade. He reached Hermione Granger's, changed the 'E' to an 'O' before reconsidering and changing it to a 'P'. He then looked up and smiled beatifically at Minerva.   
  
"Alright. You've made your point," the Gryffindor head of house said grumpily, "now change Granger's score back."   
  
"Are you suggesting I go back on my judgement and change a students grade?" asked Severus, sounding slightly shocked. He ducked as a Transfiguration book went hurtling past his head and changed the mark back with an expression that said 'It's ok, I don't really care either way.'  
  
"This means that you can make anyone – absolutely anyone – fall in love?" asked Minerva curiously, tucking a grey-streaked black strand of hair behind her ear and looking nonchalant. There was a faint blush on her cheeks and a small smile curling in the corner of her mouth.   
  
_Disgusting_! Thought Severus.   
  
"Perhaps," he said, looking thoughtfully at the glowing wand that sat so smugly beside the one he'd kept safe since first year. He wasn't fond of it – his own wand was familiar and comfortable, whereas this radiated a feeling of superiority that was faintly reminiscent of Lucius Malfoy. The Godmothering wand, Severus decided, insulted him.   
  
"Prove it," said Minerva. "I'll bet you can't make two of my Gryffindors fall in love."   
  
Severus had to stop himself from … first off, taking some sort of potion to remove the feeling of severe sickness from his stomach, second, retching, and third, having bizarre mental pictures involving Potter and Longbottom.   
  
"… if I can," he said slowly, "you have to correct all the Potions Homework for a term. I work my students extra hard, Minerva."  
  
"If you can't," replied Minerva crisply, "I shall expect a term of Transfiguration Homework corrected. I do a lot of essays with my students."   
  
The air seemed to crackle around them, and Professor Flitwick gave a small squeak of alarm before scuttling to the far end of the table to sit with his hands over his head beside Trelawney. The former Divination teacher took a deep gulp of the ominous looking hip-flask in her hand (which smelt suspiciously of spirits) and blinked her left eye, then her right.  
  
"I sense a disturbance in the force," she said mistily.   
  
"I'll give you a disturbance in a minute," said Minerva crossly, gathering up her homework and turning to glare at Severus. "You have one week to make Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley fall in love. Love potions don't count."   
  
Severus put his head in his hands, wondering what he'd gotten himself into._ At least, _he thought, _it's good practise. I suppose all I have to do is point at Granger and Weasley, say 'Bippity Boppity Boo, feel like an idiot and make them fall in love.   
  
But it has to be a story. Maybe if I turn Weasley into a frog. Goodness knows he looks enough like one. … no, it has to be an evil witch or something, and he has to wrong her first. It has to be like a Fairy tale.   
  
Once upon a time, a red-haired gangly idiot named Ronald Weasley gave in some god-awful potions homework, and the big bad evil Potions Master turned him into a frog. Luckily, Hermione Granger had taken her nose out of a book long enough to realize that if she kissed him, all would become well again.  
  
However, that's not how the story ended, because Hermione decided she preferred Ronald as a frog. She kept him like that for the rest of his days, until the Weasley twins tipped Ronald into a blender and he passed away peacefully.  
  
No, wait… I've gone wrong there. Back to the drawing board._


	3. And Then There Were Two

Title: The (Fairy) Godfather.   
Author: Antidisestablishmentarianist / Kitty-kitty  
Disclaimer: Not mine. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros. Scholastic, Bloomsbury and Raincoat books.   
Rating: PG for cross-dressing poor Severus.  
Author Notes: It's incredibly short, so I'm uploading it four days early. You can expect another chapter on Friday that's muuuch longer. THANK YOU REVIEWERS! **Cat, **I doubt it'd make much of a difference to Hermione anyway. **On-a-rainy-day, **… you'd be surprised how many people would look much better as a frog XD, **Adele, **you can stop anxiously awaiting now o.o;; When you say, 'come to terms' … um… should I be scared? **CastusAlbuscor **that's a very personal remark o.o my end is not funny – oh. Oh. The story. Right. **Sweetbriar, **. . all fairy godmothers have to do it story-style, that's what they're there for .;; Severus is just showing off to make Minerva feel inferior. Not that it's working. Thanks guys!

**Chapter Three  
  
And Then There Were Two**

"Well, Harry, you've finally done it," Ron said through a mouthful of sausage (much to Hermione's disgust. She hadn't thought it was possible to stuff three entire full-sized sausages in a mouth at a time but... as someone once said... you live and learn. "Snape's lost it."   
  
"He has not," Hermione grumbled, "personally, I think you're all being horrible to him lately."  
  
"We're always horrible to him, 'Mione, that's the point. We're giving what we get," said Harry.   
  
"Look, Hermione, I bumped into him in the corridor and he actually apologized," Ron reasoned, as though being polite was something that merited a stay in a nice warm room with padded walls and stylish straitjackets (_although_, Hermione thought, _in Ron's mind it probably is.)_ "AND!" he continued, dropping his voice. Harry, Neville and Ginny leaned in close to hear. Hermione sniffed and moved away.   
  
"... I heard him mumbling. About dresses. Pink ones. With... schiffin," said Ron.   
  
"Oooh," said Neville and Harry. "Schiffin. That proves it."   
  
"He must be trying to poison someone with it. That schiffin stuff is lethal," Ron said.  
  
"Chiffon," Hermione corrected him absently, overhearing. "It's a material. It's something like what they make ballet tutus from."   
  
Neville blushed. Hermione could practically hear the gears in his mind clicking into place as the mental image of Snape in a pink dress made of chiffon began to assemble itself in his head. Harry pushed his porridge away from him.   
  
Ginny giggled, "the man has no taste in dresses whatsoever," she said, watching the boys faces closely, "I mean, people don't actually wear chiffon nowadays except on stage. What's in, I think, is thin material. Stuff that's nearly see-through."  
  
Ron swallowed the mouthful of sausage and, nonplussed by his collegues various states of disgust, mirth and nausea, began to shovel scrambled eggs into his mouth. Hermione shook her head and patted a choking Neville on the back.   
  
"Ginny, did you have to do that?" she asked wearily.   
  
"I could have brought up the story of the 'Emporer's New Clothes'" Ginny said helpfully. Ron went puce, swallowed the eggs and kept his eyes firmly on his plate. Every time they strayed even the nearest bit toward the teachers table, he'd whimper a little and call them home, shaking a little. Harry simply put his head into his food and sighed.   
  
At the staff table, oblivious to the Gryffindor's scandalous gossip concerning his love life, Severus leaned past Minerva, wand in hand. Under his breath, he whispered '_bippity, boppity, boo_,' and promptly went an odd shade of mauve.   
  
_And there were two, because there was always the possibility that one Fairy Godmother could be supporting the villain of the story. The children had to get out of the scary forest and back to their parents. The prince had to marry the princess. Most importantly, they all had to live happily ever after. The villain must never win._  
  
At the Ravenclaw table, two pale blue eyes snapped open at the sound of those words. "I wonder if he knows he has to wear the pink pouf sleeved chiffon dress for the wand to work," said Luna Lovegood mistily.   
  
Cho gave her an odd look.  
  
"Just wondering," Luna shrugged.


	4. Malfoy's Misfortune

Title: The (Fairy) Godfather  
Author: Antidisestablishmentarianist / Kitty-kitty  
Disclaimer: Not mine. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros. Scholastic, Bloomsbury and Raincoat books.   
Rating: PG for cross-dressing poor Severus.  
Author Notes: Ahhh… shaky so many reviews. O.O Should I be alarmed? I'm sorry this chapter's so random . I wrote it ages ago… anyway: HPROXMYSOX, you sweetheart, I don't know about mighty. Omnipotent yes, but mighty? Thank you! On-A-Rainy-Day, thanks for not missing a chapter! squeal I have people who read more than one chapter! Razzberri, thank you o.o Great word manipulation. Chris, I think after your comment my toes blushed o.o;; Flattery will get you _everywhere. _Thanks, darling. Iris Flamewing, YAY NEW READER! Hello! huggle and thank you!

**Chapter Four  
  
Malfoy's Misfortune**

Draco Malfoy was not the type to be paranoid. In fact, he had no need to be. Both the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs went to considerable lengths to stay out of his way (sometimes to the extent of slinking into empty classrooms to avoid the corridor he was sauntering down at the time) and while Slytherins were uninclined to turning on their own kind, Gryffindors were uninclined to turning on other houses. Potter could easily be dealt with by shadowing a favourable teacher for a while.   
  
... In fact, besides the rare few obsessive admirers, Draco never worried much about conspiracies.   
  
This sense of security Draco carried, as he'd gotten so used to having nothing to fear, blinded him to the dark figures in the shadows and deafened him to the footsteps that stopped a few seconds after his. Draco Malfoy was being stalked, and was blissfully unaware.  
  
... he had entered the place where normal things don't happen... very often.   
  
Doo dee doo doo, doo dee doo doo.   
  
"Who's singing?" he asked irritably, looking up. The corridor behind him was empty and yet a light chuckle in a female voice floated back in reply. It set the hair prickling on the back of his neck (Making him wonder 'Does my hair actually look cuter like that? Drop dead gorgeous as I am, I could stand a little improvement. Nothing hair gel couldn't fix.')  
  
"Ring a ring a rosies," the voice continued. Draco stopped dead. It was late at night (it was against the rules to be out this late, and yet, funnily enough, he rarely did follow the rules. They were things that he didn't usually pay heed to, like Gryffindors, poodles and things with -orama at the end.)  
  
"A pocket full of posies. Ashes, ashes," he stayed stock still, but turned suddenly to find nothing but a silence and a draught before the voice trailed off in girlish giggles.   
  
"We all fall ... DOWN!" Draco howled and pulled his hands up to shield his hair as a pile of black and blue-rimmed robes with some dirty blonde hair attatched bore down upon him and knocked him to the ground. In the mad scramble to protect his pride and joy (... no, not his hair. He wasn't that egotistic. There were more prized parts of the Malfoy person) he managed to produce his wand and point it at the offending attacker.   
  
He found himself staring into a rather reproachful face surrounded by dirty blonde hair and sportng garish pink and purple make-up. Despite his shock, he couldn't stop himself saying, "what in the name of Merlin are you wearing?"  
  
It was big. It was sparkly. You could even go to the length of saying that it resembled a large pink disco-ball. If electricity had worked in Hogwarts, it probably would have been surrounded by flashing fairy-lights. It was made of pink chiffon and had shiny pouf sleeves bedecked with little pink hearts.   
  
It was the dress from hell.   
  
And it was coming to get him.   
  
"Malfoy, did you know your hair makes you look like you've been wearing a helmet for five years?" asked Luna Lovegood, smoothing out her dress and looking as though she hadn't just attempted homocide from above. The little pink plastic hearts clinked together when she moved. Draco half expected her shoes played 'bippity boppity boo' when she walked.   
  
"... Oh, excuse me, I'm terribly sorry. Did you know that your hair makes you look like you haven't bathed? Ever?" Draco snapped sarcastically. "Take your pink-fluff dress and your pink-cloud brain elsewhere, Lovegood."   
  
Luna, with much clinking and shuffling, managed to pull her chiffon clothed self to her feet. She brandished a wand decked with a much-chewed pasta star at him, looking mildly bemused and just the slightest bit calculating, as though sizing him up.   
  
"I want to ask you something," she told him cryptically. Draco began to edge towards the doorway. Luna giggled again, the same slightly haunting laugh she'd sung with the nursery song. "You're funny!"   
  
"If you met incredibly beautiful girl -"  
  
"... how beautiful?" asked Draco, resting his hands on the doorknob that now pressed reassuringly into his back. "Prettier than me?"   
  
" - pretty enough to hang on your shoulder and add to your look without drawing attention away from you," Luna said musingly, "and with an incredible personality-"  
  
"Is she a Slytherin?" Draco turned the door handle and winced as the grinding noise told him the door was locked.   
  
"She can be if you want. And she's pureblood. And you're utterly in love with her," Luna continued without the least bit of irritation in her voice. As far as she was concerned, these were perfectly plausable questions. Most Slytherins were heliopaths and it was important to know if you were marrying a heliopath. They tended to burn the bedsheets at night.   
  
Draco nodded sceptically. It was rule number 34 in the Malfoy Handbook that Malfoys did not fall in love (between rule 33: Regularly support the Dark Lord 'insert-name-here' but secretly plot to overthrow him. And rule 35: Mirrors are useful. Use them often.)   
  
"If you found out that she's really a muggle born, would you still talk to her?" Luna finished, finally arriving at the end of her heliopath trail of thought.  
  
"... no," said Draco, as though she'd just asked him whether he was a natural blonde. Some things were just obvious.   
  
... Shut up. He was so a natural blonde.   
  
"Oh... oh well," Luna reached past him and comfortably pushed her head right under his elbow to get at the door. It twisted quite freely under her grip and swung open. As she made to leave, she raised her pasta-decked glowing wand and brought it down with all her strength upon his head. Then, clinking and ringing as she walked, she departed.  
  
Draco pulled one pale hand through his hair. "She got sparkles in. That takes hours to get out!"


	5. Jigsaw Puzzle

Title: The (Fairy) Godfather  
Author: Antidisestablishmentarianist / Kitty-kitty  
Disclaimer: Not mine. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros. Scholastic, Bloomsbury and Raincoat books.   
Rating: PG for cross-dressing poor Severus.  
Author Notes: Wai, this is just getting madder. Yes, people, we finally get to see Severus in drag. … I realize this isn't a new thing, but I'm the author and I say he gets drag XD Anyway, darlings, the story finally begins to kick off. The competition between Severus and Luna heats up XD My lovely reviewers, thank you to **nutella, CastusAlbusCor, Junella and On-A-Rainy-Day. **OARD, honey, I hope I answered your question well in this chapter. And **Iris Flamewing **– you seem to predict me too well. XD No, Draco is just an expert on hair. ESPECIALLY his own. Wouldn't you be with hair like that?

**Chapter Five  
  
Jigsaw Puzzle**

_Most people,_ Severus thought as he scrutinized himself in the mirror, _live life happily and die at the age of 80 from old age surrounded by their loved ones (or so Minerva says). They do not get weird glowing wands, inherit unearthly duties to make things into fairy stories or find themselves standing in front of a mirror wearing something that vaguely resembles a dress.  
  
Oh well,_ he added, remembering Dumbledore saying he should take a much more positive outlook on life. After all, he was a Fairy God Moth-Father now. _Their loss._   
  
He turned from the mirror, now an unsightly shade of red that clashed with the pink chiffon monstrosity. _Perhaps if I think of them as robes. Dress robes. Incredibly garish Lockhart-esque robes. No, that's not working. Time for some dutch courage. _With that, Severus took a flask off of the table next to him and looked at it suspiciously.   
  
"... It's not _that_ bad," he considered, putting the flask back down and looking at it warily. "No, Dutch courage isn't what I need... Irish strength's what I need!" Without really thinking about what he was doing, he found himself with a glass of whiskey in his hand and wobbling slightly on his feet. Severus then regarded himself in the mirror once more.   
  
_At least they're not lilac. At least I'm not blonde. It's not all that bad. _  
  
After Weasley and Granger had shown no signs of affection towards each other (Well, one. The bookworm smacked Weasley across the back at lunch when he once again choked on a mouthful of food large enough to feed a third world family for two days.) Severus's nerves had begun to sizzle.   
  
It was then when the book arrived.   
  
_"A Simple Guide to Fairy God Parenting. Includes tips on uniform, speech and advice on storylines." _  
  
It had even included a stitching pattern showing where the chiffon could be left off. He'd been almost grateful for that. The less chiffon involved, in his opinion, the better. In the end, it had turned out a quite stylish affair. It almost looked like a set of pink-and-white robes not unlike - ... oh, merlin's beard... he really had had too much whiskey if he actually thought the dress suited him.   
  
And, oh, merlin, he had to go and see Dumbledore next.   
  
_Why me? _  
  
He'd figured out a story. It would be so terribly romantic (shudder) that even Minerva would be satisfied as to its Fairy Godmother-ness rather than it being coincidence. Weasley would have an accident (no, really, he would. Severus would be nowhere near at the time) that would render him invalid for a week or two (there really was no hurry to get the boy back on his feet.) During that time, Granger would have to look after him and all he'd have to do is cast a quick god-mother-type spell and they'd fall in love.   
  
First, though, Poppy would have to be talked around not knowing a cure for Weasley's injury. Granger would have to be put in a position to miss classes (something Severus was sure she'd never do) and Potter would have to be kept out of the way. Then all he had to do was keep Granger and Weasley from killing each other.  
  
He never said it would be easy.   
  
In fact, he never said he wanted to do the damn job in the first place.   
  
Luna chose a seat behind Draco and settled in for a nice, relaxing Arithmancy class. She did not choose the seat behind Draco because she'd cast a spell on him. Neither did she pick it because she'd spent the last week or so stalking him. In fact, Luna Lovegood chose that seat because it was the perfect place to stare disturbingly at random members of the class until they got uncomfortable and looked away.  
  
Draco was an added plus.   
  
He was currently preening himself and trying to brush some glitter from his hair. As he did so, Luna giggled to herself. That was the sign of Godmothering enchantment and there was no way it was coming off of his cute little bleached blonde head until the spell had run its course.   
  
"Oh!" she said, as loudly as she could. "Hermione! There's a seat free beside me!"  
  
A girl Draco couldn't remember seeing before looked up. Her expression was mildly surprised as she pulled some slightly wiry bushy hair from her brown eyes and picked a book or two from the desk she'd chosen beforehand. He watched her walk past him and noted the subtle scent of jasmine.  
  
It would have had the perfect daydream effect if Pansy hadn't thrown a ball of scrunched up paper at the back of his head.   
  
"Why are you even looking at _that? _" hissed Pansy, leaning over from her seat on Draco's left.   
  
Draco shrugged, wondering what on earth had come over him. That was incredibly against the Malfoy Code (Rule number 2: Love yourself above everyone else. After all, you are a Malfoy) and quite uncharacteristic. Ignoring childish giggles Luna was making behind him, he fixed one sane thought into his head.  
  
"Must. Find. Mirror," he murmured.   
  
"Is it me?" whispered Hermione, "or is Malfoy acting very strangely?"   
  
Luna turned to her with a wide smile. "It's never ever just you. Something's always possible in an alternate universe. Some time, you might be in that alternate universe and not know it. It's not just you."   
  
"Well," Hermione muttered under her breath. "That solves it. If Luna's spouting nonsense then everything's normal."   
  
Despite the fact that it was a double Potions class, that he was partnered with Neville (no offence to the boy, but this was a sure road to disaster) and that he was going to be told off any minute now for eating or drinking in class, Ron Weasley was smiling. In fact, most of the class was smiling.   
  
"Is there something particularly amusing about my appearance today, Weasley?" asked Snape, bearing over him like an overgrown bat.   
  
"Well, now that you men- no, no, not at all," Ron said, still smiling broadly though he'd already realized that his drink was now on the table in full view (Author note: Am I the only person who's noticed that Ron eats… quite a bit in this fic?). Rather than look at Snape's face, he stared at his collar distractedly. Between the lining and buttons of one side of his robes and the other, it was quite evident that underneath the nightmarish black robes Snape was wearing something candy-floss coloured and wedding-dress shaped.   
  
He pretended to keep working on the Potion, exchanging a smile with the shaky Neville (who was too nervous to smile. Now that Neville was sure Professor Snape was a cross-dresser, he didn't dare go near his Professor for fear of being hit with a handbag) and taking a large gulp of his drink.   
  
Oddly enough, it seemed that Severus Snape turned around and looked surprised a few seconds _before_ Ron's knees buckled.  
  
"Augh! My legs!"


	6. Luna Kicks Bum

Title: The (Fairy) Godfather  
Author: Antidisestablishmentarianist / Kitty-kitty  
Disclaimer: Not mine. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros. Scholastic, Bloomsbury and Raincoat books.   
Rating: PG for cross-dressing poor Severus.  
Author Notes: (_for notes in full, see end_) Thank you reviewers XD **Cat** – thanks, darling. **On-A-Rainy-Day** – sigh, Draco, alas, doesn't get the chance. **krenya-alenak** – No slash, unfortunately. . Drat. **Angie Chick** – do you need… medical… assistance? and **Uozumi** – this is complete on the HPN, Zumi-chan, you did know that, didn't you?

Chapter six  
  
Luna kicks bum

"But how do you know I _am_ Luna?"   
  
Professor Vector ignored these words as she pointed towards the door with a firm, austere expression. Hermione nodded along with the Arithmancy witch's judgement (to Luna's faint annoyance - until she saw Draco nodding enthusiastically to Hermione's left) and 'hmph!'ed lightly as Luna rose to her feet and left the classroom.  
  
The door slammed shut.   
  
Luna sunk to the floor and crossed her knees, unbuttoning her robes to reveal a garish pink-and-white candyfloss coloured dress.   
  
It had been a trademark of Fairy Godmothers throughout the years to strive to make their dresses as thoroughly tacky as possible. Luna's generation was only the second to discover plastic, and the first to discover fairy-lights and yet she still paled in comparison to the great Merriweather, tackiest of all. On the other hand, Merriweather met her death in a hot oven in a gingerbread house.  
  
Just goes to show that tackiness gets what it deserves.   
  
Even so, Luna still pinned some pink plastic heart earrings to her ears for luck and considered her wand. She wondered if silver spray paint was poisonous - she'd developed a habit of chewing the pasta star on the top of her wand - but a silver glowing star wand would look much more impressive, and a quick spray couldn't do any harm. Turning it over in her hands, she listened for footsteps...  
  
... and heard some.   
  
She concentrated on staring spookily at the entrance of the corridor.   
  
"Lovegood, where exactly are you meant to be?" momentarily startled, Luna looked up into the displeased face of her Potions master and smiled peacefully.   
  
"Arithmancy," she said. "But, no matter. I'd like to talk to you, Professor."   
  
"Oh, joy. Oh, rapture. How ever will I contain my utter thrill? Luna Lovegood wants to talk to me. Come along, whatever it is can be said on the way to the nice room with the detention slips," Severus said, his voice a total monotone. He gave Luna a deadpan glare while he spoke, as though she had somehow insulted him by wanting to talk to him. She got to her feet, keeping up the peaceful smile.   
  
"I know. If I were talking to me, I'd be thrilled too... though that's probably because mirrors so very rarely talk back. There have been reports though. The government are using them to spy on us," she said, ambling amiably beside him with her hands in her robe pockets. She took the time in which he'd looked away in disgust to quickly button her top buttons and cover up the pink-and-white disaster.   
  
"... Is there a point, Lovegood?" he sneered.  
  
"Oh! Yes, of course there is," she stopped dead at a hallway junction, folded her arms and glared at him. "This is my turf, Snape! I was here years before you and I expect you to back off."   
  
"Excuse me?" asked Severus, "Good god, she really is insane."   
  
"I'm the Fairy Godmother around here," said Luna, now alarmingly menacing. Her blonde hair, now hanging over her eyes in a tangled mess, gave her a feral and wild look. "I have been since I was eleven and just because you're older, that does not mean you can push me off my turf. Newbie."   
  
Severus looked at the furious girl and remembered the passage from the handbook on good and bad Fairy Godmothers. _There are always two, one good and one evil. Usually, the two Fairy Godmothers are extremely territorial and possessive of their characters: Most of the new Godmothers leave the elder Godmothers vicinity: This prevents all out war between good and evil (see: Morgan LaFaye, Merlin, Cliodna) _  
  
_She's the other one? What does that make Luna Lovegood? The good one or the evil one?_  
  
"Newbie?" he found himself saying. "Oh, that cuts deep. Give yourself a pat on a back for a shot well struck. I shan't recover from an insult like that for days, Lovegood. How absolutely below the belt."   
  
Luna smiled and shook her head, "sarcasm doesn't suit you. I rather think," she continued innocently, looking vague and misty as she stared at the ceiling and pulled her wand through her fingers. "Do you know, I rather think that chiffon doesn't suit you, either. You'd look so much better in ... oh... spandex... maybe, or elastic."  
  
"Is that a threat, Lovegood?"   
  
"Would you like it to be?"  
  
Realizing he was getting absolutely nowhere in this conversation (besides, maybe, talking himself into a pair of particularly unpleasant trousers) Severus did the unthinkable. Gave up.   
  
There was little reasoning to be had with a girl whose general view on life was that "anything is really possible – except for biting books, because that's just silly!" (in her own words) and while he did actually have the entire day to stand around arguing, he didn't want to. That would mean admitting to Minerva that he was actually having difficulty.   
  
And being upstaged by a teenaged girl who didn't know her left hand from the left side of her brain.   
  
"What exactly do you want?"   
  
Luna looked thoughtful. "First, I want you to stop meddling with my characters. I've had an absolutely huge plot running with those Gryffindors since second year that'll come to a spectacular finish soon and you're _ruining_ it. Isn't it funny how… well, when you're working with a story… how personal you get with your villain characters. Almost to the point of having certain characters in the story that would _bother_ the villain to have."   
  
"What are you talking about?"   
  
Luna grinned wolfishly, an expression that didn't suit the almost babyish innocence in her face. "Leave Ron Weasley out of it, or I shall have to continue with my idea for a Gryffindor sweetheart for Draco Malfoy… oh, wouldn't it be wonderful? A very touching story, full of emotion. Lucius's reaction would be the best of all – I really do think so."   
  
_Lovely. Luna Lovegood's the other Fairy Godmother… and for such an airhead, she's actually controlling those students so well that they don't realize their free will's being tampered with. So her plan is… setting Granger up with Malfoy? Oh, heaven help us. It'll last two weeks and they'll be back to tearing each other's hair out.   
  
Two weeks makes a big difference in a story. And if Granger's already with Malfoy, I'll be stuck with an incapacitated Weasley and a very smug Gryffindor head of house. _  
  
"Do pop into the hospital wing before you leave," continued Luna, "it seems some kind of sickness has struck Ron. I can't imagine what. It's as though some terrible potion that would have rendered him paralysed for a good week or so might have been tampered with, so's to make him completely incapable of even speaking properly! I really would hate to be the girl looking after him."   
  
_Did I call that an airhead? Why isn't she in Slytherin?_  
  
"Looks like I'm the Good Fairy godmother this time," she finished. "Fun, fun!"  
  
With that, she turned on her heel and wandered aimlessly down the corridor. The chiffon under her robes seemed to steer her slightly off course, difficult as it was to manoeuvre. Severus caught a glimpse of her chewing the top of her wand as she turned the corner, and finally groaned.   
  
"Lovegood's got a story too. Lovely. Just. Lovely. This is war."Author Notes: Right, are we all completely lost? Here's Kitty's quick catch up guide. There are always, at any time in the world, two fairy godmothers in existence (one good and one evil). Severus has been named as one, and he's just found out that Luna Lovegood's his counterpart. While Severus, on a bet with Minerva, is trying to run a Godmother story of the romance between the bookworm and the weasel, Luna's out to tamper with his story at every turn by adding inconvenient plot points (for instance, the bookworm's sudden attraction to the ferret) and tripping him up.   
  
Basically, it's war and Luna's going sniper style.   
  
PS: If you're confused over Ron: Severus tried to put him off his feet for a while in an attempt to let the typical romance situation between Hermione (being forced to look after him) and Ron bloom. He mixed a potion into the drink Ron sneaked into Potions class… but Luna had already tampered with Ron's drink. Having his legs put out of order with the loss of speech was just an added bonus.   
  
Luna: 1  
Severus: 0


	7. Oh Ye of Little Faith

Title: The (Fairy) Godfather  
Author: Antidisestablishmentarianist / Kitty-kitty  
Disclaimer: Not mine. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros. Scholastic, Bloomsbury and Raincoat books.   
Rating: PG for cross-dressing poor Severus.

Author Notes: This was written on paper before it got put on computer so it might be a bit... disjointed (I'm not used to writing on paper) In case anyone's forgotten, this started with the bet between Minerva and Severus that Severus couldn't use his l337 Fairy Godmothering 5 --5 to make a couple of Ron and Hermione. Thank you to; Uozumi! (I luff you, Tango!) Cat (promise not to do that again… you're scary when you sing…) On-A-Rainy-Day (Ahh, see, you're paying attention!) Krenya (but _I _like slash pout) Angie (a contrast between the two! I want my cake AND to eat it – um… wow, that sounded wrong) CastusAlbusCor (… if that was a flame, then… YAY! You know you're a proper writer when you get yer first flame! If it wasn't… then… thank you!) Forever Tainted (Really? Would you prefer Luna in a leather catsuit?) Michelle Denise (… Nuuu, nu Rupert/Daniel! Rupert's too good for Daniel! He should be mine!) ****

**Chapter Seven  
  
"Oh ye of little faith"**

"Well, well, well... will you just _look_ at my class's mounting homework. There's at least a _weeks_ worth of non-stop correcting to be done," Minerva McGonagall smiled slyly from behind the increasing stack of transfiguration papers and rolled up essays. She'd paid a visit to the hospital wing earlier that day and returned with a glowing report of an argument between Weasley and Granger. (Severus suspected that Poppy, who'd been taking bets from the rest of the staff on Minerva's triumph over the big bad Fairy Godmother, had something to do with this)  
  
"Really?" asked Severus in mock-surprise. "It _will_ be hard to mark all that - now, if I were you I'd have given them all 20 page projects due for Monday - actually, that's what I've done to my class..." he pretended to ignore the look of utter outrage she threw him.   
  
It has been two days since the unfortunate victim, Ron Weasley, had been struck dumb and paralyzed from the knees down. During this time, both Godmothers had been biding their time - any confrontations were small and usually ended up with Luna having twice the amount of Potions homework she'd started with - however...  
  
Severus had had quite enough of time biding in general and had broken the unspoken cease-story-fire that day by shoving Malfoy into Myrtle's bathroom and putting five different locks over the door while the corridor was still deserted. He felt sure he was supposed to feel guilty, and yet, he had a glowing feeling of accomplishment. He was one step closer to making sure Luna wouldn't end the story by turning everyone into rabbits, fish or kittens.  
  
And speaking of kittens...  
  
What did Granger love more than Weasley and Potter? What was it that had stared so malevolently at him from her arms in the hallways? Severus eyed the foul tempered orange furball currently rubbing up against Minerva's shins and leaned down. "Here, Crookshanks! Here, kitty kitty kitty!"   
  
"Leave him alone, Severus, he's all right," said Minerva crossly, scratching the cat's matted furred back. Crookshanks turned his squashed face towards Severus with an expression of smug feline satisfaction.   
  
"I'm sorry, Minerva," said Severus airily, "I didn't realize I was interrupting your quality time with your boyfriend."  
  
She promptly bundled the cat (now less smug and much more like the aggravated little flea-ball he actually was) up into her arms and dumped him into Severus's lap. The creature's claws immediately sunk in, and dug alarmingly further at the howl of pain this elicited from the Potions Master.   
  
"Serve you right," said Minerva curtly. "Whatever you're planning to do with that poor sweetheart of a cat, I'm sure you've gotten what you deserve."   
  
Severus picked up the cat by the scruff, (it did not look very impressed) and frowned at it. There were, he was aware, quite a few animals linked with the subject of … certain activities (authors note: USE YOUR IMAGINATION, people. I'm not sure whether I'm allowed mention the certain activity, so… come on!) … rabbits, yes indeed, he could see a vague similarity. But looking at Crookshanks, a tomcat with such a squashed face that it made Pansy Parkinson look more like Malfoy, he just couldn't see the association.   
  
"Mrowl," it said, scowling at him.   
  
"You won't be saying that in a minute," Severus replied. He made to rise to his feet, still holding the orange coloured bag of fur awkwardly by the scruff… when the cat, in a way that seemed very much on purpose, repeated itself much more slowly.  
  
"Mrrrooowwwlll," it said dangerously.   
  
"Is that a threat, half-crossed kneazle?" Severus asked, feeling somehow that this cat was threatening his authority.   
  
"Mmmrrrooowwwlll," yowled the cat, revealing quite a few sharp claws and teeth.   
  
"Just you wait," he told the cat. Minerva was looking at him now with a quite quizzical expression (Severus assumed it was probably because he looked an idiot, arguing with a cat. In fact, it was because she was wondering how long it would take before he realized that when he'd pulled Crookshanks from his lap, the cat had taken with it a sizeable amount of robes.)  
  
"Severus," she said patiently, "Crookshanks won't mean you any harm if you just hold him properly."  
  
Severus looked down. If the cat attacked him, not only was it far from his throat but by the scruff it could be held at arms length. "I prefer my way. Come, Crookshanks, you're going to help your mistress. Mwahahahah! MWAHAH – AHA! - … oh, merlin, I'm going to be the evil one, aren't I?"   
  
Minerva nodded.


	8. Luna's Losing Her Groove

Title: The (Fairy) Godfather  
Author: Antidisestablishmentarianist / Kitty-kitty  
Disclaimer: Not mine. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros. Scholastic, Bloomsbury and Raincoat books.   
Rating: PG for cross-dressing poor Severus.

A/N's: A bit of a surprise in the next chapter. cackle It's more of a mix and match between Witches Abroad and Maskerade as we progress, isn't it? Anyway, I'm a bit distressed. Still, no-one's asked just where Luna inherited HER wand. Once again, it was written on paper and will end up horribly disjointed. . I'm unloved. Four reviews? Eech, like Luna I'm losing my groove… thanks to **Cat, Tango (Uozumi), CastusAlbusCor and Forever Tainted. **

Chapter Eight  
  
Luna's losing her groove

Luna Lovegood was feeling smug.  
  
The story was going quite smoothly and for such a simple story, it had her favourite rival tied up in knots (Then again, that man tied himself up in knots over simple things… he'd had such a temper tantrum over being called "grasshopper" that she'd made it a permanent nickname.  
  
_Once upon a time, there lived a handsome but cold hearted noble who loved nothing more than himself… until, one day, a fairy lost her temper and cast a spell on him. "You will fall in love," she told him, "with the first muggleborn you see."  
  
Humiliated, the noble (a keen hater and abuser of muggle borns in general,) tried to avoid all of them but set eyes on a fiery hearted Gryffindor and fell instantly in love. From then on, he was much nicer… for at the Yule Ball that was quickly approaching, he would win the fair Gryffindor's heart._  
  
Yes. That sounded perfect.  
  
Luna mused on her story as she strolled through the hallways and leaned against the bathroom door inconspicuously. She was in plain clothes, having just been visiting (i.e. meddling) with Ron in the hospital wing, so apart from the wand tucked behind her ear and the mad state of her hair, she didn't stand out enough to be commented on.  
  
She walked backwards through the push door of Myrtle's bathroom door and tripped over the prone figure on the floor.   
  
"Malfoy?" she asked, before regathering herself and getting down on her knees onto the floor. "What was it that did this to you? Snorkacks? Heliopaths? Rabbits?"   
  
"…" Draco opened one eye and flinched. For the first time in his life, he didn't look either perfect or charmingly messy. His hair was soaked and clung to his face, while his skin had gone from pale to bone-white. His uniform was sodden. "I'm not talking to you," he murmured.  
  
"I knew it," whispered Luna, "it was the squirrel Mafia, wasn't it?"   
  
This statement was so absurd that Draco forced himself onto his back just to give Luna a look of damp scorn. "If you call that," he said blandly, nodding to the space behind her, "the squirrel Mafia."  
  
"He started it," whinged Myrtle in her equally damp and sodden tones. "He called me washed up!" suddenly, her voice turned rough and vicious, "so I washed him up!"   
  
"She's insane," said Draco, "I've been stuck in here since yesterday."  
  
"Didn't you call for help?" asked Luna.  
  
"Mademoiselle! Rule number 23 of the Malfoy code ™® © clearly states that Malfoys do not call for help! They simply take the situation in their stride and belittle others by standing around calmly and looking pretty in the process!"  
  
Luna took in the soaked hair and uniform, sweat leached face and slightly fearful grey eyes with a mildly sceptical look on her face (as a rule, Luna never wore any expression that was stronger than mild. She simply let the dominant look - misty - take over her face) "Why didn't you do that, then?"   
  
"I didn't have my comb," said Draco obstinately, "Wait until I get my claws into Potter!"  
  
"… what did he do now?" asked Luna, taking one of his clammy hands into hers and pulling him to his feet. He was surprisingly light (To Luna's triumph. That rumour about pureblood vampires, she thought, must be true. Blood has to be low in calories.)   
  
"Shoved me in here and locked the door, I'm sure of it -"  
  
" - _no-one ever comes to see me! Oh, no, they have to be locked in with miserable moping moaning Myrtle_ -"  
  
" - 24 hours of bloody torture, let me tell you - "  
  
" - _Weeping, whining, whinging Myrtle! They all hate me_ - "  
  
" - I could have gotten a split end!"   
  
" - _ESPECIALLY HIM_!" Much to Luna's amusement, Draco and Myrtle finished their own little rants at the same time before looking venomously at each other. She giggled softly to herself, but stopped when both living and deceased's glassy gazes turned on her.  
  
"Harry didn't do that," she said abruptly, "That was honourable grasshopper Sevvie."  
  
"Sevvie?" repeated Draco, "wait… Snape?" He looked at her expectantly, but when she did not answer he had no choice but to break Rue 17 (Never let them know that you don't know) and bombard her with questions. "You know why he's acting odd, don't you? Why? Why's he cross dressing - in pink? Why isn't he brooding? How did you open the door if it was locked? And WHY ME?"   
  
"Because when it comes to you, dear Draco, everything has hormones," Luna said simply, and, having no desire to explain the entire Hermione/Ron/Draco/Severus/Herself/Minerva conundrum, she began to sing a verse of 'Weasley is our King' under her breath.  
  
Draco lined up the questions he'd asked in his head and considered the answer, before drawing the only possible conclusion he could in the given situation.  
  
"Snape fancies me?" he asked in a small voice.  
  
The door swung open. Draco took the opportunity to duck under the entrant's arm and run for sweet freedom. The floor squeaked under his wet shoes as he let. Minerva McGonagall chuckled to herself, shutting the door behind her.  
  
"Agent neko-chan" said Luna. Her back was turned to Minerva, but she used her inner eye to predict the identity of the newcomer with astonishing accuracy. (Her inner eye saw Minerva McGonagall's reflection in the mirror as though she was right before her."  
  
"Loveg-" started Minerva impatiently. Luna held up her hand.   
  
"Ah, bup bup bup?" she said quickly.   
  
Minerva groaned. "Agent Tsuki'no," she said. "You got the job done?"  
  
"Soon," said Luna in an Italian accent, "soon. Is that any way to talk to the God Mother? Respect, my daughter, works both ways. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours and together we'll sleep with the fishes."  
  
Minerva wrinkled her nose. "What?"  
  
"I don't know," admitted Luna, "but it sounded good."  
  
"It sounded practically perverted to me," Minerva said, coughing politely. "Have you gotten Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley sufficiently distracted?"   
  
Luna thought about this for a second. While Hermione was now open to suggestion, she was arguing with the currently mute and paralysed Ron. "Depends. Did you talk to Dumbledore?"  
  
"I talk to him every day," Minerva said flatly. "That's the point... sorry. Sorry! I'm sneaking around Severus too much lately. Yes, he thinks another Yule Ball would be an excellent idea."   
  
"Then it's sorted," Luna smiled. "I'm sure you haven't forgotten the agreement?"  
  
"15% of all bet winnings and no transfiguration homework for a month. IF you succeed."   
  
"2 months," said Luna suddenly. "And I've been a Fairy Godmother since I was five, you know, have more faith in me."   
  
Minerva nodded at the girl, a small indication of utter and total faith. She then turned, mumbled "we never met, Agent Tsuki'no," and walked out the door with great dramatic effect. Watching her go, Luna felt the slightest bit proud of her Professor.   
  
"Oh ... peachfuzz," she said to herself, "I'd better think up a plan quickly."

· Luna, like most lunatics, liked anime. She also, by a sad turn of fortune, liked James Bond. The combination was lethal.

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	9. Animal Antics

Title: The (Fairy) Godfather  
Author: Antidisestablishmentarianist / Kitty-kitty  
Disclaimer: Not mine. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros. Scholastic, Bloomsbury and Raincoat books.   
Rating: PG for cross-dressing poor Severus.

Author Notes: I'm sorry it took so long ;; I'm continuing to the bitter end, though my reviews have... er... dwindled blush Naiii, another catch-up guide is in order. I blame my bad writing . I assume everyone will be able to see just what's going on in my head. So! For the sake of understanding, see the Kitty catch-up guide at the end. So, thank you **_C_astusAlbusCor, Phredtheflyingmonkey, Uozumi, H.D., AngieChick and Iris Flamewing! **

**Chapter Nine  
Animal Antics.**

It was a classic movie showdown scene.   
  
Severus looked at Crookshanks.  
  
Crookshanks looked at Severus.   
  
The two looked at each other.  
  
Of course, Severus couldn't quite appreciate the irony (though he was probably the best irony-appreciator of all Hogwarts School) of the showdown as he'd never seen a single cowboy film in his life and had absolutely no desire to broaden his horizons to include that particular activity. Both creatures simply edged around each other uneasily, with an occasional hiss or curse from one or the other.   
  
"It's nearly finished. Will you stop staring at me? Dratted animal..." muttered Severus, unused to the silent treatment that usually came before a full frontal claws-out attack. Half an hour ago, he'd been sure the cat was looking the slightest bit pacified... however, it'd turned out that Crookshanks was sizing up the bottom of his robes and trying to figure out which was the fastest way to get through them and claw at the legs beneath.   
  
"Rrooooowwwwwrrrrrrr..." a rumbling noise came from somewhere deep inside the mottled fur generally known as Hermione's cat.   
  
"Rowr to you, too," said Severus curtly, stirring a dodgy looking fluorescent pink potion with one hand and arming himself with a cauldron in the other. Magic was no substitute for cold hard iron when it came to wild animals.   
  
"Rrrrroooowwwwwwwrrrrr..." said Crookshanks, twice as dangerously.   
  
"Because, of course, I understand what 'rowr' means completely," replied Severus. "It's probably cat-language for 'I'm dreadfully sorry for nearly ripping off one of your legs earlier, sir, it won't happen again. Honestly.'"   
  
"Rrrrooooowwwwwwwwrrrrrrrr," Crookshanks repeated, flattening his battered ears against his head and swishing his tail from left to right. In any language, this clearly called Severus a word he wasn't particularly fond of.   
  
"Severus," said Minerva, looking at the Potion Master's back with a stare of such ferocity that he was forced to turn around, "really. Tell me what you're planning."  
  
"Finished," he said, sounding satisfied. Severus edged around the cat nervously, before closing his eyes and uncharacteristically dropping his guard completely. Crookshanks sprung and leapt into the air, aiming for the face and waving his lethal front paws for all he was worth.   
  
The feline fatale made a noise that could only be described as 'yowrp' as he was abruptly snatched out of the air and up-ended into the horrid pink potion. There were some bubbles, hisses and scratching sounds from inside of the cauldron that caused Minerva to jump to her feet and rush forward.  
  
"Honestly, Severus! Just because you're losing doesn't mean you have to drown the poor girl's cat!"   
  
"Sit down, Minerva, or get out," he replied, waving his hands to keep the bout of rising steam from the cauldron away from him.   
  
Crookshanks, inside the cauldron, began to see his life flashing before him. Being born - scratching his first owner - being sold to the Magical Menagerie - clawing the next owner - being returned to the Magical Menagerie - wounding the shop-keeper - being picked up by Hermione - clawing at Ron and Harry - being cooed over by Hermione - Padfoot - that rat - clawing at Ron and Harry - clawing at Nymphadora Tonks - sleeping in the sun - clawing at Severus and...   
  
... This form was suddenly wrong. The ears shouldn't be so pointy... the nose, not so flat and the eyes not quite the same. He adjusted himself as he went along, the legs should be longer, thicker, stockier... the arms, too... no claws, but fingernails... until finally...   
  
Crookshanks stood up in all his human glory.   
  
"I think we should put some clothes on you right now," said Severus firmly, pulling some robes off of the coat-hook on the door and pulling them helter-skelter over the naked figure, "alright, Minerva, you can open your eyes."  
  
"I didn't have them closed," said Minerva. She giggled (much to Severus's alarm).   
  
"Well, you should have had."  
  
Even Severus had to admit that, half an hour later, when Crookshanks had been properly kitted out in proper clothes (including the unpleasant topic of underwear) he was just as lethal as before. Crookshanks clothed seemed to communicate the nakedness beneath all the more. He radiated some sort of drunken charm that he would have compared to that of Captain Jack Sparrow (if, again, Severus had been acquainted with that particular film. Which he was not.)   
  
When it came to Crookshanks, everything even remotely female had hormones. The man could commit harassment by sitting quietly in the next room.   
  
As they'd made their way downstairs, Minerva hadn't been able to stop giggling. Severus had noticed a blush on the Grey Lady's cheeks (he hadn't been aware that ghosts were able to blush. However, if the Bloody Baron could be dead and still have blood, why not the others?) and heard a few school-girls (even one from his own house. He was going to have to have a serious talk with Pansy Parkinson) making remarks that would make James Potter blush.   
  
"Now, Crookshanks," said Minerva, "we need to know what Hermione likes in a ... a boyfriend."   
  
Crookshanks looked at her with a vaguely puzzled expression. This was the woman he'd heard earlier trying to sabotage Severus's big story plot and now she was... helping? "Boy frrrriend?"   
  
"Yes, you know... um... mate," said Minerva.   
  
"You'rrrrre getting a mate for Herrrrmione?" he asked.   
  
"That's right," Minerva said, breaking off into another fit of giggles. Severus sighed inwardly, wondering whether it was possible to murder a work colleague and get away with it. He could plead insanity on the grounds of being giggled at. Musing on this, he barely heard Minerva yelp as the feline pushed his way through the crowd ahead and bounded through a window and out of harm's way.   
  
"This can only be a good thing," she said weakly, "cats always land on their feet."  
  
"This can only be a bad thing," replied Severus, "he's not a cat. And there are innocent -" he paused, "er... untainted -" and again, "and there are school-girls in this place!"

**-Kitty Catch-up Guide-**

Author notes: Time for another Kitty catch up? Fair enough... here's the current story standings and the current score. THE STORY SO FAR is that Severus inherits a Fairy Godmothering position and is honour bound to act on it as there can only ever be two at one time. At the moment, he's not quite sure whether he's the good or evil Godmother (as there always is one good, one bad, no in-between) but he knows his counterpart is the not-as-airheaded-as-she-seems Luna Lovegood. Now, Severus, in all his infinite calm and collected mood, ends up making a bet with McGonagall that he can-so! be a Fairy Godmother and to prove it he's said he'll set up the most obvious (to everyone but the two concerned) pairing in the entire school, Ron and Hermione.   
  
How's he going to do it? Well, simply by having Ron do a pathetic-bedridden patient routine and fixing the circumstances so that Hermione will be forced to nurse him back to health and... Voila! Love blossoms. Not exactly... Luna, upset at having HER turf moved in on, wants her own back. She sets up the potion Severus tries to use to put Ron out of commission to make him dumb as well as bedridden. Now Severus has his way, but Ron's also totally unable to communicate any feeling to Hermione whatsoever!   
  
Score standings: Severus (0) Luna (1)  
  
Luna, with whatever ulterior motive she has, does NOT want Ron with Hermione. She instantly sweeps down on the most wanted guy in the school (Draco Malfoy) and spells him into forgetting who Hermione is. Her plan goes well until Severus cops that Draco might find Hermione a bit cute (and with Malfoys, everything has hormones. Including trees) and gets rid of him... by shoving him into the girl's bathroom to let Myrtle deal with him.  
  
Score standings: Severus (1) Luna (1)  
  
Unknown to Severus, Minerva's trying to win the bet by teaming up with Luna. She's helping Luna get Dumbledore to throw a Yule ball in which she plans to set Hermione up with SOMEONE, ANYONE, before Ron has his chance. Between the two of them they're positive to trip Severus up.  
  
Score standings: Severus (1) Luna (2)  
  
Severus decides, who knows Hermione better than anyone? and makes a bee-line for her beloved pet, the mangy tomcat known as Crookshanks. Deciding to extract as much information as he can from the cat he turns him human with a potion to eliminate the species-barrier... and, much to his horror, discovers that Crookshanks is apparently quite attractive as a human, and that he's accidentally set the catman loose on a school of unsuspecting girls!


	10. I Told You So

Title: The (Fairy) Godfather  
Author: Antidisestablishmentarianist / Kitty-kitty  
Disclaimer: Not mine. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros. Scholastic, Bloomsbury and Raincoat books.   
Rating: PG for cross-dressing poor Severus.

Author note: Two more chapters! WAIIIII! I feel pretty, oh so pretty... you're probably wondering what on earth's going on. Poor Poppy, she really needs a date. THANK YOU REVIEWERS! I'll have to thank you all next time (sorry, I'm in such a rush! It's all go!) So… no further ado… chapter ten!

**Chapter Ten  
  
I told you so**

There were few things in the world that could extinguish the fire beneath an adult tom-cat. Rocks, shoes or anything in reach of the window of a bedroom thrown at speeds of up to 60 miles an hour certainly couldn't. In fact, Crookshanks had been adamant in his mind that nothing could whip that fire out from underneath him.   
  
… that is… adamant until faced with the cool stare of Poppy Pomfrey on a bad day.  
  
"And where do you think you are going? You're not coming into my hospital wing in that state!" she said, placing her hands on her waist and rocking gently back and forth on the balls of her feet as she surveyed him with serious distaste.   
  
"Rrrowr?" said Crookshanks hopefully, baring his teeth in a smile that was the downfall of angels and saints (at least, the female ones.) In assembled beds around the hospital wing, girls in various states of sickness and spell-illness sat up and took notice of the chancer in robes a size too small.   
  
"Rowr nothing!" exclaimed Poppy. "Look at you! You're a mess! You're scruffy, filthy – is that an insect in your hair? Your robes leave nothing to the imagination and for goodness sake, man! You're not even wearing socks or shoes! Get out of my hospital wing! OUT! Have a shave, have a shower and have a thorough think about your direction in life. THEN, I just might let you into this place. Even then, only to have a look at those unsightly scars! Urgh! Shoo!"   
  
Behind the curtain of the furthest bed of the hospital wing, Ron scrawled something on a notepad and held it up to Hermione, who read it and nodded. "Don't worry, you'll get your voice back soon," she said soothingly. "Of course I'll go and see what the fuss is about. Now, you stay here and- … sorry… I didn't mean it cruelly."  
  
Ron looked slightly hurt. For the past four days he'd been incapacitated in the hospital wing without use of legs or vocal chords. His only comfort had been that Harry fiercely defended him on every visit from any onslaught of 'Oh, just wandered past, Ron… thought I would pay you a call… oh, those are nice curtains! They used to have curtains like that in Ravenclaw, but the hippogriff ate them…' remarks from Luna. Now even Hermione was making cruel jokes.   
  
"Madame Pomfrey's shouting at some dreadful looking seventh year in … strangely familiar looking robes … hang on… those are my robes!" whispered Hermione furiously, peering around the curtains. "Wait… no, they're not. They still are quite familiar. Gosh, isn't he-"   
  
Her face was scrunched up in an expression of distaste as though she couldn't quite find the right words to use to describe the sight before her. Ron watched as, beyond her and the … _quite frankly attractive_ … ugh, no, man and Poppy Pomfrey, Luna wandered in wearing something ghastly and pink.   
  
"Hello," she said happily, whacking her wand off Crookshanks's arm.   
  
"-_gorgeou_s," finished Hermione.   
  
"But since you're not coming into the hospital wing," continued Poppy, looking slightly weaker at the knees, "perhaps you'd like to go for a drink with me?"   
  
Luna smiled broadly and took Crookshanks by the wrist, holding a flask of milk out in front of her. Almost docilely, the cat in men's clothing followed with a mild expression. She sat down between Hermione and Ron, before placing the milk on the bedside table and beckoning Crookshanks towards her with a 'sshhhwssshhsswwssshh' sound.   
  
"Hello, Ron. I was just passing by when I remembered you were here. I thought you'd be lonely so I popped in. Oh, what lovely curtains… we had some like those in Ravenclaw…" Luna said.   
  
"What's your name?" asked Hermione, smiling dumbly at her pet.   
  
"Crrr-"  
  
"Critch," said Luna suddenly.   
  
"Crrritch?" said Crookshanks.  
  
"Critch! This is Hermione. She's totally new to you, isn't she?"  
  
"Yerrrse?"  
  
"My name's Hermione! It's a pleasure to meet you! I must say, I've never quite seen someone with your… um… va-va-voom before. Are you from Eastern Europe?" Hermione folded her hands on her lap. Ron scowled darkly at Crookshanks, daring him to make a move.  
  
"He's from a little country you've probably never heard of," Luna answered. "He's been trying to get to the Owlery to send a message home. I did give him directions, but he's not good on English."   
  
"I'll show you," said Hermione kindly.   
  
Ron looked distraught. He reached a hand out to Hermione, but she simply squeezed it companionably. "Luna will keep you company, won't you, Luna?"   
  
"I certainly will," Luna grinned.  
  
"Bye, Ron!"   
  
"Rrron," said Crookshanks.   
  
The two walked out of the hospital wing, oblivious to the dark looks sixs other girls, one boy and one character mentioned by JK Rowling who is, at the moment, of no particular gender, named Blaise shot them. As Hermione shut the door behind them, Poppy shrugged. "It's not my problem if he's got a thing for younger women."   
  
By Ron's bedside, Luna smiled, and Ron pulled himself a few inches away from her.   
  
"Well, Severus, admit it. You are losing," said Minerva, flopping down into a seat in the staff room and fanning herself with a mock OWL test paper. Between them, Professors Flitwick, Snape, McGonagall, Sinistra, Sprout and Vector had scoured the school in search of the runaway and warned the other staff of the danger the girls of Hogwarts were in. It seemed that the cat was more of a menace in human form.   
  
Severus had actually felt quite guilty when they'd come upon Pomfrey, Pince and Hooch, all of which had had encounters with Crookshanks and none of which were particularly happy to talk about it. All Pomfrey had to offer, having being told that the girls were in dire peril was 'I'll say they are. Wow.' Prince's reaction had been twice as alarming. She'd been so distraught by the entire experience that she could talk nothing but gibberish; 'he can stamp my library book any time.' Much in the same way as Madam Hooch, in fact, though hers was more along the lines of broomstick riding.   
  
"It's a minor set-back," said Severus.   
  
"Severus! Luna Lovegood has already got Hermione in her clutches. Give it up, for goodness sake, you're fighting a losing battle."   
  
"… She has Granger in her clutches?" repeated Severus crossly, "there is a Yule Ball in two days and I've incapacitated her little suitor for the Gryffindor."   
  
Minerva raised an eyebrow, "… incapacitated?"   
  
"Well, not exactly. He will never look at a bathroom in the same way, though."   
  
Minerva thought of a few different double meanings that could be patched onto this, and stifled a laugh. "Well, you didn't get any information out of Crookshanks and goodness knows Weasley will be laid up in the hospital wing for a good week. The boy can't dance, either. He has no etiquette. Girls like etiquette, you know."  
  
"Why are you giving me tips on what school-girls like, Minerva?"  
  
"Well, I'm the perfect example. It's not as though I'm an old hag," she said reproachfully.  
  
"… well, I didn't like to mention it, but…" Severus sighed.   
  
"I hope Luna wins," said Minerva waspishly.   
  
Between them, tiny Professor Flitwick put his hands over his head, ducked, and covered, though all he really would have had to do was remove the books from underneath him.


	11. Night Before Hangovers

Title: The (Fairy) Godfather  
Author: Antidisestablishmentarianist / Kitty-kitty  
Disclaimer: Not mine. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros. Scholastic, Bloomsbury and Raincoat books.  
Rating: PG for cross-dressing poor Severus.

Author notes: .;; I'm SO sorry this was late. Rushed off my feet, being gotten up at four in the morning… but you don't want to know that! What you do want to know is that this is the second last chapter! You want to know that Crookshanks does indeed look quite a bit like a teenaged Captain Jack Sparrow and that depending on the chapter and story part, the P.O.V. varies but it's usually either Luna, Severus or poor ickle Ronnikins. You also want to know that I'm just refusing to stick a gender on Blaise. Thanks to reviewers Lady Zymurgy, Uozumi, H.D., Infinate, On-a-Rainy-Day, krenya-alenak, NotreDameGirlie and CastusAlbusCor (I still want to know where your name comes from). ****

**Chapter 11  
  
Night-before Hangovers**

"You're holding a Yule Ball tomorrow."  
  
Some people could maintain that Dumbledore, smiling in that jolly way of his, was almost impossible to be depressed around. Some people who were not Severus, that is. In fact, Severus hated that smile. That smile, coupled with the eye-twinkle usually meant 'I have an idea to torment Severus today! All is good in the world!' Whenever that smile appeared, Severus made a point of being as far across the other side of the school grounds as possible.  
  
Today, that smile was aimed right at him.  
  
Bloody git. I knew he was planning something.  
  
"Yes, indeed! It's very thrilling to know you were listening, Severus," said the Headmaster solemnly. There was no sarcasm there, but somewhere deep down in the Potion Master's being he picked up on it on some subconscious level. Slytherins had a sixth sense for sarcasm. English was their second language, sarcasm their first.  
  
"Tomorrow," repeated Severus in a deadpan voice.  
  
"Tomorrow," said Minerva efficiently, loving every moment of it. "The day after today and before next week. Sunday, Severus, the 20th of December. In 48 hours. Am I making this simple enough? If you'd like, I could draw a little diagram for you to show you just where between this week and the next tomorrow is. In fact, Filius was showing me only yesterday - yes, that's right, the day before today. The OPPOSITE of tomorrow - this brilliant teaching technique that you can do with straws-"  
  
She trailed off. Severus had turned his deadpan expression on her and suddenly she understood just why the Hufflepuffs and Neville were so terrified of him. "-then again, you probably know that already."  
  
"I wouldn't expect any level of actual intelligence from a middle-aged witch who claims to be practically a school-girl, Minerva, so don't worry. Just go ahead and say what you like, I certainly won't see you in a lesser light," he said gravely. Professor Flitwick looked pitiful, and this time held his arms out to Sinistra who took him kindly and knocked the books out from under him. Safely out of the firing range, he squeaked: "now, now, this is no time for fighting."  
  
"Severus, my junior - as he so aptly put it - probably won't listen to you, Filius," said Minerva in a melancholy tone, "these young people are just so immature."  
  
"Hark, do I hear the twittering of an old bat? Well, now we know for sure that Minerva has entered the room," drawled Severus.  
  
"Well," said Sybil Trelawney crossly.  
  
"Bat? Bat? Did someone mention a bat? Who could they be talking about save for Hogwarts own Batman! Yes, Severus the human bat! He only comes out at night and he wears nothing but black!" said Minerva.  
  
"Excuse me?" asked Flitwick timidly.  
  
"Meow. Well, we all know now why Minerva's animagus form is a cat," said Severus.  
  
"You're one to talk about spell forms, Severus Snape. You can't criticise me! Your patronus is a fluffy pink bunny rabbit with floppy ears!"  
  
A hushed silence fell across the staff room. Minerva had one hand over her mouth and was looking sincerely guilty, though she didn't appear to want to give voice to that guilt at the moment. Trelawney and Filius exchanged startled glances (well, from the table it appeared that way. In truth, Sybil may simply have been directing her glance towards a footstool. It was a sad fact of Filius Flitwick's life that he would forever be mistaken for footstools and pouffes.) and Dumbledore pretended not to know this.  
  
It was finally Sinistra who chuckled politely, and was instantly joined by a catty giggle from Vector. Hagrid guffawed and soon most of the staff, save for the Headmaster, Deputy Headmistress and Potions Master in question, were crying from their laughter.  
  
"Well..." said Dumbledore calmly. "I trust there's no problem with the Ball?"  
  
"No," said Severus faintly. He was still reeling from the shock. "Not at all, Headmaster." As he rose from his seat and stepped over the convulsing teachers, aimed a particularly malicious kick at Mrs Norris and stalked out of the room with legs clawed by - at this point - both male and female felines, he mumbled 'bloody git' to himself.  
  
"Critch, you're so fascinating!" Hermione giggled in an alarmingly high-pitched voice and slapped Crookshanks's arm in what she considered a coquettish fashion. In all fairness, Hermione had no idea was a coquette was, or how to act like one - possibly it was a small spool of thread or a close relation to the potato based croquette - but she wasn't going to admit that for all the money in the world.  
  
"So, the postman jumps rrright up the trrree and scatterrrs the post everrrywherrre!" exclaimed the festive feline dressed in Ron's spare robes (that strained rather alarmingly) and a paper hat. He clapped his hands together awkwardly, as though it was something he was not used to being able to do, and guffawed as though to indicate that this was the joke. Hermione nodded and giggled once more.  
  
Crookshanks shifted closer on the seat. He wasn't familiar with human morals (with cats it was straightforward: be born, eat, sleep in the sun, mate, catch mice, die) but he knew what the basic gist was and so he patted Hermione's hand and said "Herrrmione, I harve something to arsk you."  
  
"Oh, yes?" asked Hermione brightly, suddenly aware of how hairy the Spaniards hands were.  
  
"Will you go to the Yule Bawrl with me?" asked Crookshanks.  
  
"Oh, yes, certainly," said Hermione, nodding enthusiastically.  
  
By the door, Luna clapped her hands together delightedly and whispered to herself "Luna, three, Snape, one. I'm winning! I'M WINNING! ... But, I have to give the competitor a fair chance... right... agenda for today. Look up remedy for muggle drug used to sedate Ron. Alert Snape to Ron's health. Send Hermione gift from Crookshanks. Hee! Critch and Hermione up a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the golden carraige. That's not all, that's not all, the baby's drinking alcohol!"  
  
Author notes: Time for another Kitty catch up? Fair enough... this picks right up from where the last catch-up.Severus decides, who knows Hermione better than anyone? and makes a bee-line for her beloved pet, the mangy tomcat known as Crookshanks. Deciding to extract as much information as he can from the cat he turns him human with a potion to eliminate the species-barrier... and, much to his horror, discovers that Crookshanks is apparently quite attractive as a human, and that he's accidentally set the catman loose on a school of unsuspecting girls!  
  
Luna, of course, picks right up where she left off and through Minerva manages to find out what Severus has done to Crookshanks - or Critch, as she now calls him to Hermione - and drags the irresistable feline back to the hospital wing to seek her out. With one wave of her magic wand, he has girls swooning at his feet, including Hermione. Hermione wanders off with Crookshanks and Ron is left to his own devices.  
  
Score standings: Severus (1 own goal) Luna (3) 


	12. The Good Godmother

Title: The (Fairy) Godfather  
Author: Antidisestablishmentarianist / Kitty-kitty  
Disclaimer: Not mine. All characters belong to JK Rowling, Warner Bros. Scholastic, Bloomsbury and Raincoat books.  
Rating: PG for cross-dressing poor Severus.

Author Notes: Wow, it's finished! All of you may now feel free to rant about how utterly AWFUL an ending that was… in a review, please, if I can get the reviews up to a hundred seeing as this **is** the last chapter, I'll be happy as a pig in muck. **Thanks, everyone, for your encouragement**. If you want _more _of Luna, there will be some… er, eventually. In the meantime, I recommend Moriah's fiction. I'm putting a nice link here so you can all 

See? Click! Please? It'd make her happy. She doesn't get half the attention she deserves… oh, one more thing. I've been picturing this fiction like an anime the entire way through, so to get the full effect, I recommend downloading 'Tetenko Maimai' while reading the last bit. Sort of an ending theme. ;;

**Chapter Twelve (all is done)  
  
The Good Godmother**Against his better judgement, Severus was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, gods weren't the insufferable gits their publicity claimed them to be.  
  
Well, actually... he was thinking that the gods had to, in fact, all be goddesses. They were moody, stubborn, and occasionally threw hot coffee over him (what Severus wasn't to know that Fred and George had hung out of windows overlooking the courtyard for hours with cups of coffee just waiting for a likely looking teacher to pass by. They'd done him a favour. He'd washed his hair later that day.). However, in three quarters of the month, they weren't half bad.  
  
It was the day of the Yule Ball, and things were looking better. After looking it up, he'd found that Weasley's affliction was due to wear off today and through Molly had found out that Ronald was actually not a bad dancer. He had five years of dancing lessons under his belt. Hermione was no-where to be seen, but neither was Crookshanks and Luna seemed to be slightly troubled in Potions earlier that day.  
  
So, here sat Severus, ten minutes before the Yule Ball was declared officially ... a Yule Ball... and not just a slightly decorated Great Hall. He was totally pleased with himself, so much so that he swung his feet up onto a nearby footstool.  
  
"Owch! Severus!"  
  
"... Sorry, Flitwick. Thought you were a footstool."  
  
Flitwick pouted at him from beneath his white curly hair and scuttled off to find something to make him look less garden-gnome-ish. Meanwhile, Severus looked at the hall with his best 'this is so tacky' expression and glared at any first year who even dared to glance in his direction or make comment on the candy-floss pink pouf dress he'd been forced into by Minerva. He'd buttoned his robes over them but there were still bright pink gaps.  
  
"It's your last night in this story as a Fairy Godperson, Severus, so you're going to look the part when you lose - er... whether you win or lose," Minerva's voice echoed in his mind.  
  
"Oh, shut up," he said.  
  
"What?" asked Sinistra reproachfully. "I was only comforting poor Filius. It's your own fault if you insist on using him as a footstool. Hmph!"  
  
Dumbledore chuckled, "is there something on your mind, Severus?"  
  
Severus muttered something unrepeatable to himself that earned himself a slap from Sinistra, a 'well I never!' from Sprout and a kick from Flitwick that wasn't enough to actually hurt, but the feeling was there.  
  
"Even so," said Dumbledore, continuing in a vaguely amused tangent as though Severus had said nothing, "I think pink suits you. It highlights the brown in your eyes. Oh, here comes Miss Lovegood... goodness... don't look now, Severus, it seems both Miss Lovegood and yourself have chosen the same clothes."  
  
Luna Lovegood, who was making a bee-line for him in a dress that could have doubled as a float in a Powerpuff Girls Patrick's Day Parade, was followed closely by Minerva. The two of them were giggling over something with knowing looks on their faces that was apparently hereditory among women everywhere. Behind them, Severus could see Hermione and Crookshanks laughing away with them.  
  
"Hello, Severus!" said Minerva gaily as the music started up in the background. Severus caught a glimpse of the couple in question bobbing off towards the dance floor before the dress from hell and the owner of said dress blocked his view.  
  
"How are you, Professor Snape? Isn't the setting gorgeous? I think it's terribly romantic," said Luna deliberately. Minerva's knowing smile widened almost threateningly.  
  
"It looks like someone took a bite out of Japan at Christmas and spat it out in the middle of Scotland," replied Severus. "The decor is a mess, the tinsel's hung wherever the room doesn't seem sparkly enough and the imps Flitwick's enchanted to sing are in fact tangled in two girls hair at the moment."  
  
"Keep that positive attitude, Severus," said Minerva, sitting down between the Potions Master and Dumbledore with a happy smile. "You'll need it after the amount of homework I've let pile up."  
  
"Oh, look," said Severus offhandedly, "it's Ronald Weasley. It is nice to see him up and about, isn't it?"  
  
Minerva froze and looked across the room, utterly horrified at the mere thought that Luna's plan could be spoilt. However, the Ravenclaw school girl still stood in front of Severus, beaming happily to herself as she twirled her pasta-star wand through her fingers. The beam quickly slipped off her face when Severus caught her eye and smiled back.  
  
"I wonder how Hermione is faring with 'Critch'. I don't remember hearing about a student named Critch before. It was a bit alarming when he turned up at class today," said Severus. Luna looked hurriedly back at the cat, as if to assure herself that he still existed.  
  
"Professor Snape!" she said suddenly. Her voice rose to a near-squeak that was reminiscent of a nervous Pettigrew, "Professor Snape, I always notice that you never dance at these balls and such. Why don't you dance with me?"  
  
"What?" asked Severus, recoiling.  
  
"I think that's a wonderful idea!" said Minerva.  
  
"I agree!" said Dumbledore.  
  
"Oh, Severus, don't be such a spoil sport," squeaked tiny Professor Flitwick.  
  
"Woo! Severus, a ladies man after all! They do say that girls go for older men!" said Sprout, punching Severus on the shoulder and chuckling to herself. "Good man, go to it!"  
  
"It's not against the rules," drawled Sinistra, looking thrilled, "in fact, there used to be a tradition of it."  
  
"Go on, Severus," said Vector jovially. She gave him a shove forward onto the dance floor, and Severus found himself hanging about in inch from the ground with his arm in Luna's firm grip.  
  
"Whoops, you nearly tripped," she said, pulling him to his feet again. "Good thing Fairy Godmothers come with built in dancing skills, isn't it?"  
  
Severus found his feet moving of his own accord, and resisted the urge to kill Luna there and then. She had a death grip on one of his hands and was pushing him so that what he was doing vaguely resembled actual dancing. A few wolf whistles emerged from the direction of a large cluster of Slytherins on the left side of the hall.  
  
"Nott! Parkinson! Detention!" he shouted.  
  
Luna giggled to herself, "well. Tonight's the night! How does it feel to lose?" She asked, maintaining that misty gaze of hers for the eyes of the surrounding students. Severus cast a quick glance towards Hermione and Crookshanks, waiting for the right moment, before replying in a quieter voice than usual...  
  
... "Lovegood, I have finally grasped just what makes a Fairy Godmother a good one," he said. "The Good Fairy Godmother ... is the one that wins!" With that, a scream issued from Hermione as Critch fell to the floor, curled into a heap and howled with pain as his muscles contorted and shrunk, his bones caved in, arched and changed shape and his skin sprouted fur. The entire student body turned to stare as a rounded tom-cat buried under a heap of robes looked malevolantly at them.  
  
"Crookshanks!" breathed Hermione.  
  
"Rowr," replied the cat, getting up and rubbing against her legs before retreating into the sea of legs around him.  
  
"... right," whispered Luna. "You're right. But you haven't won yet!"  
  
"Oh, haven't I?" asked Severus. Hermione sighed, and put her hand to her forehand, swaying gently. Right on cue, Ron pushed through the crowd and stood beside her, ready to speak his first line for seven chapters, and caught her as she fainted.  
  
"Hermione?" he said nervously.  
  
"... what did you do?!" asked Luna.  
  
"I let things happen," said Severus. "The spell on the feline from hell was due to wear off yesterday. You cured Weasley and everything just fell into place. Well, Lovegood, if you don't mind, I've got homework to give to Minerva."  
  
With that, he wrenched his hand out of her grip and set off towards the teachers table with his 'I see all, I know all' expression to make Minerva McGonagall's life just that little bit harder. As he did, Luna shook her head and stared after him.  
  
"That's a good Fairy Godmother," she murmured.

_There once lived a young lady by the name of Hermione, a gifted witch at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Hermione had no time for love, and was so often buried in books that she didn't realize that someone very close to her loved her very much. One day, her Fairy Godfather decided to take matters into his own hands and attempted to bring the two together – he cast a spell on Hermione's young man that made him fall ill in the hope that Hermione would finally notice him. However, an evil witch called Luna wouldn't let this happen. _She _wanted the young man, Ronald, all to herself and thwarted the Godfather at every turn – sending another handsome suitor to Hermione and even turning the girl's own pet cat into a man and casting a love spell between the two. _

_Eventually, the Godfather decided to wait; at a Yule Ball Hermione was attending, he removed the spell from the pet cat so that he no longer looked human and sent the recovered Ronald to her. Just as Hermione fainted from the shock of it all, Ronald caught her in his arms and called her name. _

_For a mere second, Hermione opened her eyes at the sound of her name…_

_… and fell in love._

The End.


End file.
